First let me start off with saying I totally understand the eye roll at the idea that cutting my hair is an act of bravery (1st world problems), and totally acknowledge that real bravery is shown by so many in so much greater ways than a haircut. But this is just a little story into the craziness of my mind and that for me, this is a big deal…and this is my truth. (Insert another eye roll haha).
You know on those weight loss/makeover shows where they meet some celeb hairstylists and stylists and just totally get transformed??? I literally have so much anxiety when I watch those because I imagine myself in their shoes and all I can think is “I don’t care how much they pay me or how famous the hairstylist is….they are NOT chopping my hair off!” I have literally always had longhair…the only time I had short hair was in 7th grade when I decided to chop it off and always regretted it. Whenever I go to my hairstylist friend Nicki P. (Sup girl), I always plead “JUST A TRIM GIRL”….but not this time.
First some background: I grew up in a family of women who had thinner hair who couldn’t grow it very long…and they would gush over my “pretty thick long hair” and would always tell me to never cut it! I believed the hype and never did. I developed this idea that long hair was prettiest and feared short hair on myself. But what always ends up happening is my hair gets super long and cumbersome and I end up looking like Cher with a drape of dark hair that has no body (no offense Cher), and my head aches at the end of the day from the weight of it.
And lately things have been different….the past few years I have been on a journey of really reflecting on my life and my actions and why I think the way I do and act/respond the way I do to things…and I came to the realization with the help of my mentor, that I live in a lot of fear and anxiety….AND I NEVER KNEW IT! There are too many to list, but in regards to my hair…fears like this: “If I cut my hair I won’t be pretty anymore. I’m not skinny enough for short hair. If I cut my hair, what else do I have that makes me stand out?” etc etc. And when I finally realized I thought this about my hair and me, all I could think was….DUMB!!!!
On my lunch breaks (before I got laid off a few weeks ago), I would take walks around the building and journal, sing and pray. It was a time for me to just really get centered for the day and process things. The day I came to the realization about my fears with my self image and hair, I was listening to this song on one of those walks. It’s called “You Make Me Brave” and the lead singer at one point is just belting these lyrics over and over and getting more and more passionate:
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
And basically she is singing about how God makes us brave and calls us beyond our comfort zone but he promises to be with us and about how his love just pours out over us. ITS AMAZING and these girls rock. (You should see me as I sing this song…lots of belting and fingers pointing and wave motions with my hands lol…I can’t help it). So to make a long story longer…thats when it hit me. I just thought “I am living in fear and I don’t want to live like that! This is dumb, and I still have value and am beautiful to God whether I have long hair or short! And I will cling to Him for my identity and self worth, and to nothing else!” And that afternoon I went to see Nicole and she chopped it. I felt free and like a weight was off my shoulders….and I wasn’t scared at all…it was exciting!
So now fast forward to today: I am still glad I cut it because it crushed some old fears, has been fun, and is so light! And if I ever want to cut it again, it will be easy. But I do miss my long hair some and will most likely grow it back for these reasons:
- My daughter asks for me to grow it back multiple times a week so she can play with my “rapunzel hair” again. I try and convince her I am Rapunzel at the end of Tangled…but she isn’t buying it haha.
- I was the queen of braids with hats and top knots/buns and I MISS THEM! I miss how easy it was to just put my hair up. With short hair I feel like you almost have to do it more…or put in a bunch of bobby pins.
- I feel like with short hair…at least my short hair…it’s hard to differentiate from styled, to fancy hair for special events. (Maybe I just don’t know how to style short hair yet though..tips are greatly appreciated :))
Feel free to check out the video here: